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The Emigrants' Party 



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COPYRIGHT. 1889. BY WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 



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TOU A 1\/I A 7 AMQ ^arce in Three Acts. Seven males, five fe- 
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THE CABINET MINISTER Si, Znl'7er.itt: S 

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No. 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Massachusetts 



The Emigrants' Party 

An Entertainment Introducing Folk 
Songs and Dances 



By 

JESSIE A. KELLEY 

tuthor of ''The Village Post Office,'' ^'Taking the 
Census in Bingvilk;' " Tramps' Convention," 
^'Peddlers' Parade," ''Suffragettes' Con- 
vention," etc., etc. 



BOSTON 
WALTER H. BAKER & CO, 
1914 



The Emigrants' Party 



CHARACTERS 
Franz Pierrot, French. 
Hans Grimm | 

Gretchen, his wife \ Germans* 

Elsa, their daughter, ten years 

Robert Campbell ] - <\v 

Donald MacGregor \ Scotch, V 

James MacDougal 
Patrick Flannigan 
Mrs. Flannigan 
Michael Murphy 
Bridget Sullivan 
Algernon Heaton 
Edward Raleigh 
Lee Sing, Chinese. 
Remus Strong 

Dinah, his wife J. Negroes, 

Chloe, a child three years 
PlETRO Mazetti ] 
Rosa Mazetti \ n r 
Antonio Levaggi ] ^^^'^^«- 
Fritz Schneider ) ^^ , 

Katrina Schneider, his wife \ ^^^'^' 
Abraham Goldstein 
Rebecca, his wife 
Max, a son oftzvelve 
Isaac Rubenstein 
Jacob Rusacow 
Ferdinando C01.OMBO,' Spaniard. 
Susanne Smythe, a society lady. 
Captain, Doctor, Inspector, Policeman, Stowaway. 

More women and children of all nationalities may be added, 
preferably in costume, and they may take part in the concert. 
Other people, presumably from among first class passengers, may 
also come in at the time of the concert and take part. A group of 
Japanese maidens in kimonos might give a fan drill. 




Jews, 




Copyright, 191 3, by Walter H. Baker & Co. 



©OLD 35267 



STAGE SETTING 

The stage should be fixed to resemble the deck of a ship, 
and it may be as simple or as elaborate as desired. Life-buoys 
made from air-cushions covered with white and having a 
ship's name painted in black letters may be hung around. 
Water pails, camp stools, life-preservers, flags, pennants, sails 
reefed to masts with flags and lights suspended from rigging 
may all be used to advantage. Numerous ideas that may be 
easily carried out will suggest themselves to make the scene a 
realistic one. 



COSTUMES 

Inspector and Doctor wear dark blue uniforms with brass 
buttons, caps with appropriate lettering. 

Policemen and Captain in uniform. 

Patrick and Michael wear coarse laborer's attire, Michael 
with red wig ; Bridget, very showy, cheap attire with enormous 
hat having straight feather standing upright ; Mrs. Flannigan, 
calico dress, shawl and bonnet. 

Dinah any bright costume with red bandanna on head; 
Chloe, bright yellow or blue ; Remus, old clothes with buttons 
off, holes, general shiftless appearance, but with tall hat and 
gloves. 

Scotchmen in plaid, kilt and cap. 

Chinaman in regulation Chinese costume with queue. 

Sweep very dirty and ragged, smutty face. 

Antonio and Pietro in ordinary shabby clothes with soft 
black felt hats ; Rosa black velvet with red trimmings, scarf 
over head. 

Katrina, Gretchen, Elsa, full bright colored skirts, tight 
bodices with kerchiefs, stiffly starched, flaring white caps; 
Hans and Fritz, blue suits with big puffy trousers. Others, 
any appropriate make-up, some with beards, wigs, old style 
hats, etc. 

All have large cards pinned or tied on dress or coat. These 
the inspector examines and compares with his list for identi- 
fication. All have numerous bundles tied up in quilts, news- 
papers, etc., the more grotesque the better, also old-fashioned 
bags of all sorts. 



PROGRAM FOR CONCERT 

A program is given in the text as a guide, but it may be 
varied or a totally different one given. The songs suggested 
are old familiar ones and may be found in almost any collection 
of songs. The recitations suggested are in *' Werner's Read- 
ings and Recitations, No. 38. Dialect " (35c.), with the ex- 
ception of **John Chinaman's Protest" and ''Sockery's 
Kadacut Kat," which may be found in " Soper's Dialect 
Readings" (25c.). Folk songs and dances are found in 
**Folk Dances and Games" by Caroline Crawford (;^i.5o), 
and ''The Folk Dance Book" by C. W. Crampton (;^i.25). 
These books may all be obtained of Walter H. Baker & Co. 
Newer, popular airs of the day may be used, if desired, also 
chorus, quartette and duet work. A band or Victrola might 
be used, also accordion, harmonica, or cornet. The whole 
entertainment may be varied, less of the text used, women take 
the parts assigned to men in some instances, parts doubled and 
various other changes to suit the needs of the society giving 
the entertainment. Other songs are suggested below : — 

Songs for England 
J^oas/ Beef of Old England. Rule Britannia. 

God Save the King. The Country Pedler, 

Germany 
The Watch on the Rhine. 
A Mighty Fortress is Our God. 



The Angelus, 



France 



The Marseillaise. 



Annie Laurie. 
Auld Lang Syne. 
Scotch Lassie Jean. 



Scotland 



Blue Bells of Scotland, 
Highland Laddie, 
Robin Adair. 



Campbells are Coming. 
Spain 



Ave Maria. 
4 



Spanish Cavalier. 



NOTES 5 

Ireland 
Kathleen Mavourneen. Come Back to Erin. 

Low Backed Car, Wearing of the Green. 

Negro 
Old Black Joe. Nellie Gray. 

Dixie Lafid. My Old Kentucky Home. 

Massa's in the Cold, Cold Grou?id. 

Other dialect recitations may be found in *' Dick's Dutch, 
French and Yankee Recitations" (30c.), " Baker's Comic and 
Dialect Speaker" (25c.), and ** Baker's Humorous Speaker" 

(25c.). 



NOTES 

Be careful to speak very slowly and distinctly, as dialect is 
rather hard to understand. Practice the story telling. A 
story is spoiled or made in the telling. Repeat the jokes, and 
give the audience time to get the points, also make the jokes 
local wherever possible. A good deal of fun may be made 
with a lunch feature ; the Germans with sausages and pretzels, 
Irish with potatoes, Italians with macaroni, Frenchman with 
frog, etc. The detection of smugglers, bringing in local hits, 
is another good feature. Men and women may be talking in 
groups, children playing, some half asleep nodding in chairs, 
others lying down. Put all the action possible into it, but be 
careful that there is no noise or confusion to prevent the audi- 
ence from hearing what is said. 



The Emigrants' Party 



Franz Pierrot {walkmg hnpatiently back and forth). Zee 
time eet ees so long teel we get to zee land ! We see zee land 
long time, but eet no come near. Zee long, long time ! 

Hans Grimm. Der captain he shoost say it vos two hours, 
he dink, till ve vos in der harbor. 

Fritz Schneider. Och, mein koodness ! I vant to dold 
you dot I vos tired of der poat beesness. 

Patrick Flannigan. Shure an' yez ought to be afther be- 
ing thankful that yez are in where ye're not say-sick. Oi wuz 
turrible sick comin' over, but nary a bit wuz I sick going 
back. 

Katrina Schneider. For vy vos dot ? 

Pat. Shure, I niver wint back yit. 

Rosa Mazetti. I gotta thanka thata sharka did notta eata 
me whena I falla overboarda. 

Robert Campbell. I dinna ken wha' the shark didna eet 
th' lass. 

Algernon Heaton. Why, the shark did not heat the 
woman. The Scotch were halvvays a thick-'eaded people. 
Of course hit was because 'e was a man-heating shark. How 
could 'e heat a woman ? 

Michael Murphy. Shure, if Oi knew the toime and place 
uv me death Oi'd be as fur from that place as possible. 

Isaac Rubenstein. Shoost give me a tollar und I vill dell 
you how to lif forefer. 

Mich. Begorra, Oi'll do it. {Gives him money,') 

Isaac {pocketing money). Nefer die, mein frient ; dot ish 
der secret. 

{Laughter.) , 

Bridget Sullivan. Och, but it's orful the number of 
paypil what's buried aloive. Faith, if Oi'm living whin Oi'm 
dead Oi hope they won't be afther burying me aloive. 

Pat. Whin Oi die, Oi want ter be buried in yer lot, 
Abraham. 



8 THE emigrants' PARTY 

Abraham Goldstein. For vy ? 

Pat. Becuz the divil wud niver think uv luking for an 
Oirishman in a Jew's graveyard. 

Rob. (Jo Donald MacGregor). Why are you sa quiet, 
mon ? Are you afeerd you are going to dee ? 

Don. Tut, tut, mon, I ha* same false teeth^ dinna ye ken, 
an' I'm afeerd o' wearin' thim oout if I talk ower mooch. 

Ferdinando Colombo. You lika a mana I knowa. Too 
meana to getta haira cutta, wait tilla colda weather, den he 
wetta his haira i^goes through motions), wenta outa doora tilla 
haira froza harda, den he breaka his haira off. Save da mona. 

Edward Raleigh {very bald headed). Hi come hover hin 
the steerage to save the money, but Hi'll not do hit hagain. 
Hi hexpected to find some bugs, but when Hi find them has 
large has this Hi don't hintend to sleep with them. 

{Holds up very large toy bug.) 

Abra. My votch stopped last night. 
Antonio Levaggi. Whatta da matta ? 
Abra. A bedbug got between de ticks. 

(Ed. scratches head furiously.) 

Fritz {to Ed.). Vy don't you chase dem out in de open ? 
You can't catch dem der. 

Mich. Phwat are yez doin' annyway ? Picking thim out ? 

Ed. No, Hi ham not picking them hout, Hi ham taking 
them has they come. 

Brid. Oi'd loike to be axin' yez wan question, Mister 
Raleigh. 

Ed. What his hit ? 

Brid. Oi'd loike to be axin' yez if yez hev to toie a sthring 
around yer head to be afther knowin' how hoigh up to wash 
yer face? 

Ed. This his what comes hof coming hover hin this beastly 
place. Hi'll not stand hit. Hit's devilish. 

Kat. How vos you dare to swear pefore me ? 

Ed. Hexcuse me. Hi didn't know you wanted to swear first, 
Dutch y. 

James MacDougal. Dinna ye ken, mon, the everlastin' 
bliss that cooms to a' those wha' swair not at a' — everlastin' 
bliss, mon. 

Pat. An' begorra, it's everlasting blister to those who do 
swear, everlastin' blister, man aloive. 



THE EMIGRANTS PARTY 9 

Franz. Zay, Pat, deed you hear zee news ? 

Pat. No, Frenchy. Phwat wuz it ? 

Franz. Ze devil, he die last night. 

Pat. {taking penny from pocket). Is thot so? Here thin 
is sum money fur yez. Me fayther tould me niver to pass an 
orphan in distriss. 

Franz. By zee looks of zee face I theenk you had bettaire 
save zee money. 

Pat. Phwat's the matter wid me face? Shure, a man can't 
choose his face, nor his hair, nor his oiyes. He's lucky if his 
woife will let him pick his teeth. 

Ferd. Signor Flannigan is — what you calla eet ? Patriotic. 
He wear de color of the country he go to. 

Pat. How is thot ? 

Ferd. (^pointing). You hava de redda nosa, de whita tie, 
an' de bluea eyea. 

Pat. Shure Oi can't be hilping me red nose aiyther. 

Jacob Rusacow. I dell you how you vos cure dot nose of 
peing red. 

Pat. How ? 

Jacob. Shoost keeb on drinkin' dill it vill grow burple. 

Pat. Did anny of yez iver see me wid more than Oi cud 
carry ? 

Mrs. Flannigan. Shure, Oi've often seen yer wid a load 
you should hev made siveral trips afther. 
{Laughter.) 

Mich. Oi say, Pat, phwat's the difference betwane you an* 
the moon ? 

Pat. Oi dunno. 

Mich. The moon is full wanst a munth an' yez are full 
ivery noight. Say, Pat {laying hand on Pat.'s shoulder), Oi 
was radin' jist the other day how a man was so full uv alcohol 
that whin he wint to blow out a candle his breath tuk foire an' 
he wuz blown to paces. 

Pat. Hear me say it, Moike, hear me say it ! His breath 
tuk foir ! Shure Oi'U niver doie that death annyhow. Listen 
to me, b'ys. Oi, Patrick Flannigan, knowin' me grate wake- 
ness, dapely sinsible of me past sins, an' the grate danger Oi've 
bin in, hereby take me solemn oath that so long as Oi loive, 
under no circumstances phwativer will Oi, listen, b'ys, blow 
out a candle agin. 

{Laughter.) 



10 THE EMIGRANTS PARTY 

Hans. Keeb still. Der docther ees comin' ub. 
Gretchen {very seasick). Vill you dell me vot don't come 
ub on dis poat. 

Enter Doctor. 

Doc. {to Gret.). What's the matter ? Weak stomach ? 

Gret. Vot for you dink I haf weak stomach? Vosn't I 
throwing it as hard as anypody ? 

Fritz. Dat vas one queer ting ! All de passengers vas 
heaving an' if dot vosn't enough de captain gave de order for 
de ship to heave too. 

Doc. (/^Rebecca). How do you feel to-day? 

Reb. 1 don't feel preddy veil. I haf a horse in my throat. 

(ffaftd at throat.^ 

Abra. Dot ish not right. She mean she haf a colt in her 
head. 

Doc. {laughing). She must be a horse jockey. A horse in 
her throat and a colt in her head. {Goes to Pat.) You're 
not looking very well. 

Pat. Bejabbers, no, Oi hed sich a headache in the noight 
thet begorra Oi couldn't lift me head from the piller till Oi 
hed got up and walked around the room a bit. 

Doc. Do you ever wash your eyes out ? 

Pat. Shure, an' Oi do ivery marning. 

Mich. Howly Moses, how do yez iver git thim in agin ? 

(Isaac edges up to Doc.) 

Doc. {to Isaac). What do you want ? 

Isaac. Vould you gif me anodder eye? 

Doc. Give you another eye ? Where do you want it ? In 
the back of your head so you can see the money faster ? 

Isaac. No, no, I hear der vas one great game in America 
call dey pasepall but it costs a toUar ter see dey game. 

Doc. Well, how would another eye help you ? 

Isaac {holding tip middle finger). I vould like it right on 
de end of dis finger den I could shoost shove it through the 
knot-hole in dey fence und see der game for noddings. 

Doc. Why don't you spend a dollar ? What are you 
saving your money for, anyway? 

Isaac. Mine little nephew here he haf a birthday next week 
und I vant to puy him a present. 



THE EMIGRANTS PAIiTY II 

Doc. What are you going to get him — a tricycle? 

Isaac. How much dey cost? 

Doc. About twenty dollars. 

Isaac. Too much money. 

Doc. Buy him a bicycle then. 

Isaac. How much dey cost ? 

Doc. Oh, about fifteen dollars. 

Isaac. Too much, too much. I tink I vait till de winter 
and get him an icicle. 

Reb. Veil, perhaps ve vill wash de windows und let him 
look out to celebrate. De poor poy ish not very well, doctor. 

Doc. (examhmig tongue). 1 think he has worms. 

Abra. Veil, now, Rebecca, you always say, '< Vy ish it ven 
you go fishing you take Max und not Ikey ? " 

Reb. Veil, vy ish it ? 

Abra. Didn't you hear de docther say Max had de vorms, 
and don't you vant de vorms when you go fishin' ? 

Alg. Noah couldn't 'ave fished much when 'e was in the 
hark. 

Franz. Why ees zat ? 

Alg. 'E 'ad honly two worms, 'adn't 'e ? 

Antonio {to Doc). You tola me to putta de musta plasta 
on my chesta. I have no chesta so 1 putta heem on my trunka. 
Is data alia righta ? 

Doc. What was the matter with you ? 

Antonio. I hava de haya fever. 

Doc. Hay fever ! Where did you get that ? 

Antonio. I danca with grassa widow. 

Doc. Well, when you get ashore you better go to a bath 
house and buy some bath tickets. You can get ten tickets for 
a dollar and then you can have ten baths. 

Antonio. I do notta wanta tenna teeckits. Tenna teeckits 
lasta tenna year. Perhaps I notta liva tenna year. 

Jacob. I vent to a bath vonst. Ven I cum home I say to 
mine vife, ''I haf lost mine vest." '' How did you do so? " 
she say. '' I don't know, it vas lost in der bath. Ven I dress 
mineself I could not find it." De next year I go to the bath. 
I cum home und say to mine vife, ** Vot you dink? I haf found 
mine vest." "Vere did you find him?" she say. **Unter 
mine shirt," I tell her, und it vas lost von year und I neffer 
know ver it vas. 

Doc. {to Franz). How are you, Franz? 

Franz. Zee pills you left me, doctaire, I puts zem in zee 



12 THE EMIGRANTS PARTY 

pocket and in zee night I put zee hand in zee pocket and swal- 
low seex of them so queeck before I find out zay was zee 
collar-buttons instead of zee pills. Zat is bad. What shall I 
do, doctaire? 

Doc. That's all right. You've swallowed the collar-buttons, 
now just swallow a handful of button-holes and it will fix it. 
(To Reb,) You seem to be coughing a good deal. (^Thumps 
her chest a little.') I'm afraid you have pneumonia. 

A BRA. (wrifigifig hands). You are the most oxtravagant 
woman I effer see. Vy couldn't you get a less oxpensive dis- 
ease? Oxtravagant family, her brudder just like her. 

Isaac. Where is her brudder now ? 

Abra. He vas deat. 

Isaac. Vot for he die ? 

Abra. He vos sick an* ve didn't know vot vas dey truble 
an' de doctor gife him an examination an' he say he got **a 
pen on the seatus " und dey got to put him in de hospital und 
make an operation on him, so dey took him to de hospital und 
cut him from de stumick to dey back and he didn't find "a 
pen on the seatus " at all. All dey found vas an absince, und 
dey sewed him up again mit cord und he die. Den dey put 
him in a box mit de sign " Opened by mistake " on de out- 
side. 

Doc. {to Mich.). Did you take the medicine I told you 
to? 

Mich. Shure Oi did, an' Oi thought Oi wuz kilt entoirely. 

Doc. Did you take just the amount I told you to — ^just 
what you could put on a dime ? 

Mich. Oi didn't have a doime — Oi used two nickels histid. 

Doc. Are you crazy, man? I wonder it didn't kill you. 

Mich. Shure, Oi thought if Oi wasn't living this marnin' 
Oi'd be ded. 

Doc. Weren't you afraid to meet your maker? 

Mich. No, indade, docther ; it wuz the other gintleman Oi 
wuz afrade to mate. 

Gret. {taking Elsa to Doc). I dink mein fraulein look 
seeck. 

Doc. {examining Elsa). Looks like measles or mumps. 

Gret. Vat is de diff'rence between de measle und de 
mump? 

Doc. In the mumps you shut up and in the measles you 
breakout. (Brid. squir7ns about as if in great pain.) Well, 
well, some one else sick. What is the matter with you ? 



THE emigrants' PARTY I3 

Brid. Shure, docther, Oi swallered a puitaler bug an' 
Oi luk some parres grane to kill the craytluir but he's still 
raisin' mischafe insoide of me. 

Doc. {to Don.). What are you looking so blue about? 

Don. Rabert here tauld me last nicht tha' I couldna' 
swaller ae aig withoot braiking the shell. 

Doc. Did you do it ? 

Don. I did, an' noow if I jump aboot dirna ye ken I'll 
braik the shell an' cut me stomach wi' the pieces and if I stay 
quiait the thing'll hatch cot and I'll have a Shanghai rooster 
clawing me insides. 

Doc. I think I'll leave. Too many new diseases for me. 

[Exit. 

Antonio (Jo Pat.). I betta youa I coulda swallow youa. 

Pat. Swaller me ! Bejabbers Oi'd loike to see yez thry it. 

Antonio. Alia righta. You laya downa on seata, take 
offa boota. 

(Pat. does so. Antonio bites Pat.'s toe.) 

Pat. Och, howly Moses, ye're bolting me. 

Antonio. Wella, you olda foola, deed you thinka I goa 
swallow you whola ? I maka youa another betta. I betta I 
maka youa geet outa chaira before I aska you tvvica. 

Pat. Oi'U bet yez can't. (Sits in chair.) 

Antonio. Alia righta. Geeta uppa. 

Pat. Oi'U not. 

Antonio. Wella, staya thera till I aska you againa. 

{Goes off. Laughter.) 

Remus Strong {to Dinah, who has mirror in hand and is 
putting stuff on face). Fo de Lo'd ! What you doin' with 
mah shoe-blackin', Dinah? 

Dinah. Dis ain't yoah shoe-blackin', you fool niggah. 
Dis mah massage cream. 

Chloe. Dah Lo'd shoe-polished me real good 'fore he 
sent me to yo', didn't he, mammy? 

Dinah. Doan yo' care, mah honey. Yo's white inside 
and yo' jest as smart as dat po' white trash. You just show 
these people how smart you be an' I'll give you something 
powerful good. 

Chloe. Will you give me some bread an' 'lasses ? 



14- THE EMIGRANTS PARTY 

Dinah. Yo' mustn't say 'lasses. Yo' must say mo'lasses. 

Chloe. How's I gwine to say mo'lasses when I ain't had 
none yet ? 

Dinah. Tell dese white trash de four seasons an' I'll give 
you some 'lasses. 

Chloe {finger in mouth). Pepper, mustard, salt and 
vinegar. 

Mrs. F. Shure, she's a dear little craythur. She makes 
me thoink of me little Annie. Shure, she's the tinder-hearted 
little gurrl. She'd knock yer brains out wid a lump uv a stone 
if she saw you just hurtin' a fly. 

Abra. (Jo Max). Now, Max, you shoost show them how 
mooch you know. How many vas twice two ? 

Max. Tervice two ish six. 

Abra. No, no, six vas too mooch. 

Max. Don't I know dot, fadder, already some time ago. 
I shoost said six so dot you could peat me down to four. 

Jacob. Dot poy vill be a pizness success. 

Abra. Yes, ven you zell a coat to a man vat vants a coat, 
dot's noddings, but ven you zell a coat to a man vot don't vant 
a coat, dot's pizness. You tell him dot coat cost you elefen 
tollars and you zell it for three. He ask you vy you afford to 
zell it for three, und you say, " Mine friend t, I zell so many, 
zat's where I make," and he take the coat. 

Jacob. I go in the clothing peezness, but I don't know 
how to make the prices on the bapers vot you put on the 
clothes. 

PiETRO Mazetti. Dat maka no diff rence. Maka one dotta 
lika dis {making dot on paper) for one dolla, two dotta for 
two dolla and lika thata. I do thata waya. One daya whena I 
ees awaya from the stora a whila I missa a coata an' I say to my 
mana, ♦' Whera ees da coata watta hanga on dees hooka?" 
" Eet is solda," he saya. <*How much mona yougetta?" 
" Twenty dolla." " No, no, I say dat coata was marka four 
dolla." "No," he say, **eet was marka twenty dolla." 
*' Getta tagga," I say. He getta tagga, I looka at it, I smila 
an' I saya, '' Blessa dat little flya. He maka dos other dotta." 

Abra. Von day a man shoost prought back a suit of 
clothes and say dot der buttons come off the first time he vore 
it. '* Yes," I say, "so many peoples admire dot coat dat you 
swell mit pride and bust dose buttons off." Den I call to mine 
vife, " Rebecca, don't let Rachel come out ; dis shentleman 
looks too enticing in dot new suit of clothes." Den I say, " I 



THE EMIGRANTS PARTY I5 

change it if you vos like " ; but he would not part mit it for 
noddings. 

Isaac. It ish hard to blease some beoples. I zell a man a 
coat for tree tollars. He bring it back and say it was full of 
moth. I ask him what he oxpect for tree tollars — humming 
birds ? 

Jacob. Vot you say if a customer ask you if dos vool 
clothes will shrink ? 

Abra. If dey are too beeg for him they vill shrink, if they 
vos not too beeg they vill not shrink one mite. 

Isaac. I don't know vat I do mit mineself ven I get to der 
land. 

Jacob. 1 know a rich girl vat vants ter get married. Get 
a path, clean yourself ub und she'll marry you in a minute. 

Isaac. Y-a-a-s — but subbose I clean mineself ub und she 
von't marry me. Too beeg a risk, I tink. 

Mich. Oi'm going to jine the union. 

Pat. The union ! An' phwat is thet ? 

Mich. Shure, yez pay so much a wake an' if you don't 
like yer job yez just quit yer wurrk an' all the others will stop 
out of sympathy wid yez. 

Pat. How do yez git their sympathy so aisy ? 

Mich. That's aisily done. We ax a phrenologist phwat 
part av the head has the bump of sympathy an' thin we jist go 
at thim wid clubs an' make the bump very big. 

Mrs. F. a foine way an' it must be a foine counthry. 
Phwat koind of wurrk do yez be doin', Moike? 

Mich. Oi wurrk on the strate. Shure there's lots of 
folks thet loive in foine houses thot dig in the strates loike 
mesilf and they're afther bein' so proud uv it thot they put 
their name on a board forninst their house with M. D. after 
it. At first I couldn't understand phwat it meant, so I in- 
quired uv a gintleman an' he smoiled like every tiling an', says 
he, M. D., mud-digger of course, so bejabbers Oi jist went 
home an' put me name on a board with M. D. afther it and 
put it out forninst me house. Ain't I jist as good a mud- 
digger as anny wan of thim ? 

Antonio. I stucka in de mudda onca. 

Mich. How fur in wuz yez ? 

Antonio. Uppa to mya knee. 

Mich. Why didn't yez v/alk out ? 

Antonio. No, no, I canna walka out. I wronga enda 
uppa. 



1 6 THE EMIGRANTS* PARTY 

Mich. Oi fell into a deep hole onct. The boss called 
down, ''Arrah, Moike, are yez kilt entoirely ? If ye* re dead, 
spake." *'No," says Oi, ''Oi'm not dead, but Oi'm spach- 
less." '' Who'll we sind to brake the news gradual to your 
paypil?" says he. ''Sind Hooligan, he'll do it gradual," 
says Oi. " Do ye moind how he stutters ? " 

James. How mooch do ye airn the day ? 

Mich. Three dollars. 

James. How mooch the week ? 

Mich. Three dollars. 

James. I thooght ye ha' three dollars the day? 

Mich. Shure Oi did. Wan day a wake is enough to 
wurk. 

Don. Dinna ye ken, mon, thot ye aight to puit the dillers 
in the bank ? 

Mich. If Oi put my money in the bank whin cud Oi draw 
it out agin ? 

Fritz. If you pud it in to-day you vos can get it to-morrow 
by giving a fordnight's notice. 

Abra. Ven I get married I gife mein vife a bank and I 
say, '* Efery time I kiss you, Rebecca, I vill gife you a toUar, 
so efery time 1 kiss her I pud a dollar in her bank. When we 
open de bank I find two dollar and four fife dollar bills, und I 
say, "Rebecca, how ees dis? I only gif you a tollar at a 
time." " Yes, but odder beoples are not so stingy like you 
vos," she dell me. 

Pat. Oi hev a paper. Oi think Oi'U be seeing if anny- 
body is looking fur me to wurrk for them. (^Reads from 
paper.) " Oi hev two noice airy bedrooms for gintlemen 
twenty-two fate long an* ten fate wide." Begorra, they must 
be giants in this counthry we're a-comin' to. {Reads.) 
" Wanted, a bright smart young man to be partly outside the 
store and partly behind the counter." 

Mrs. F. Shure, Oi'm thoinkin' it's a quare counthry. 
Partly outsoide the store and partly behind the counter. 
Don't yez go to thot place, Pat; they moight be cutting yez 
in two paces. 

Pat. (reading). Widdy in very comfortable circumstances 
wishes to marry at onct two sons. 

Franz. Eet ees zee Mormon. 

Pat. Here's a chance for yez, Bridget. (Reads.) A 
farmer wants a woman to wash, iron and milk two cows. 

Brid. Shure, an' Oi'll not take that job. Oi'm willin' to 



THE EMIGRANTS PARTY I7 

milk the craytheis but Oi'm not willin' to wash an' iron thim. 
It's strange notions they do be havin' in this counthry. 

Pat. How would yez loike this? {Reads.^ A woman for 
light house work. 

Brid. Ain't a lighthouse wan of thim staples on a rock? 
Oi'd be afrade Oi couldn't git ashore fur me Thursdays. 

Pat. Here's a job fur yez, Frenchy. {Reads.) Man 
wanted to bite the wings off of flies and sell them for currants. 
Thot would be a foine job. 

Franz. Yes, eet ees good. 

Pat. Here is a job for yez, Heaton. 

Alg. What his hit? 

Pat. {reading). Wanted, a kitchen oculist. 

Alg. What his that ? A kitchen oculist ? 

Pat. Bejabbers, it must be wan thot digs the oiyes out uv 
purtaters. {Reads.) Wanted, a man with a wooden leg to 
mash purtaters. Raieigh, you kin take thot and kape Heaton 
company in the kitchen. {Reads.) Wanted, a barber who 
will shave wan soide fur five cents. 

Fritz. Von side ? Vich side ? 

Pat. The outsoide, uv course. 

Fritz. I vos goin' to make de sausage in Ameriky. 

Rob. You canna maik sausage a dog would eat, mon. 

Fritz. De sausage it all right. Noddings matter mit sausage 
only dog von't eat dog, see? 

Kat. Be sure to kill your dogs first, Fritz. You remember 
dot time you machine it squeak and groan and squeal an' dey 
policeman come in and dell you, '' Hey, Fritz, dos sausage vill 
1)6 shoost so goot eef you vill kill de dogs before you vos grind 
them." 

Mrs. F. Shure, Oi'm hoping to git some washin' to take 
in. Do yez know, Moike, where Mrs. Finnegan who used to 
i'live in Tipperary is loiving now? She wrote me she'd be 
aflher gitting me some washing. 

Mich. Mrs. Finnegan, the wash woman ? 

Mrs. F. The same wan. 

Mich. I don't know where she loives but she hangs out on 
Water Street. 

Pat. We'll hev to be foinding a pig first thing an' Oi'll 
hev to get some boards an' build a pigstye under de parlor 
window. 

Franz. Zat ees one quaire place to build zee pigstye. 
Why do you put eet zair ? 



l8 THE EMIGRANTS* PARTY 

Pat. To kape the pig in, uv course. 

Abra. Shoost save de money, mine friendt, don't puild dot 
pigstye. 

Pat. Phwat will Oi do ? 

Abra. Shoost tie a knot in de pig's tail and dot vill be a 
pig's tie, von't it? 

Pat. Begorry, Oi'll do it. The Jews are wan smart people. 
They know how to save the money. 

Abra. I dells you anodder way to save de money. 

Pat. Phwat's thot ? 

Abra. Shoost get a house near de railroad track, go out 
efery day und make faces like dot. {Makes up face.) Dat 
engineer he get mad, throw coal at you. You go pick it up, 
you don't haf to puy coal to burn. 

Pat. That's a foine idee but Oi niver could make up such a 
face as that. {Makes up numerous faces.) Oi'm afrade Oi 
can't wurrk thot. 

Remus. Mah cousin said he'd get mah a job as a diamond 
cutter. 

Hans. You vouldn't know how vos to cut diamonts. 

Remus. I sure does. Doan I know how to cut grass ? 

Hans. Grass vas not diamonts. 

Remus. But they's grass on a baseball diamond, ain't they, 
so doan I cut da diamond ? 

Brid. Begorra, Oi wisht Oi hed a place. Julia, me cousin, 
tells me uv so miny quare doin's uv her mistriss thot me heart is 
in me mouth entoirely. She ses as how her mistriss is thot fond 
of rading thet she ivin cooks out uv a book. She tould her 
wan day to cook the mate in the spider an' the poor gurrl spint 
a whole hour down in the cellar among the cobwebs before she 
cud foind wan big enough, an' she jist got to her wurrk whin 
thot mistriss called an' axed her would she bring in a cricket 
so out she wint and hunted and hunted but nary a wan could 
she foind so she wint in an' axed if anny other boog would do ; 
she cud get a grasshopper aisy. An' phwat do yez think it 
wuz she wanted all the toime? Jist a little stool. Such hay- 
then ish names. And the spider, would yez belave it, was a 
kittle. 

Mrs. F. Och, Bridget, Oi'm afrade we'll be sorry we lift 
ould Ireland. You'll be missing yer fine beaus. 

Brid. Julia says whiniver I git lonesome fur gintlemin's 
society, to pour plinty of coffee grounds down the sink poipes 
an' it will sthop up the poipes. 



THE emigrants' partv 19 

Kat, Vot for you do dot ? 

Brid. Shure, she says, thin the niistriss has to send for a 
plumber an' a carpenter an' ye're shure of gintlemin's company 
fur the nixt few days. 

Gret. Vos de black ants make trouble in Ameriky ? 

Brid. No, but 1 hear the white uncles do. Oh, the mis- 
trisses do be foinding a lot uv fault. Julia said she made some 
foine lukin' poies wid a pretty mark all round the edge and the 
loidy say, '♦ Where did you git thet pretty design thot you 
mark the pies wid, Julia? " " Indade, ma'am, Oi jist done it 
wid me tathe," an' would you belave it the mistriss wuz thot 
mad she ordered her to remove it from the table at wanst and 
they had a table full uv company, too. Thin she says to Julia, 
<♦ You may bring in the nuts if you have cracked them." 
" Yis, ma'am," says Julia, rale peaceful loike, " Oi've cracked 
all but thim big walnuts an' it'll take stronger jaws than mine 
to manage thim, but Oi got the others cracked wid me tathe 
all right," and thin she was mad agin. Thin she's always 
axin' Julia if they's nails in her shoes, till Julia says wan morn- 
ing, '' If you plaze, ma'am, there is nails in me shoes." " What 
kind of nails?" ses she. ''Toe-nails," ses Julia. Whist! 
here's the captain wid wan uv thim swell loidies now. 

Enter Captain and Susanne Smythe. 

Capt. This is the quarter-deck. 

Sus. Oh, indeed, have you no fifty cent deck ? What a 
shame! {Grabs Capt.'s arm.) Oh, didn't the boat strike 
something then ? Will we go down ? 

Capt. Can't say as to that, ma'am. Depends on the kind 
of a life you've led. 

Jacob. Mine koodness ! Ish de ship going to sink ? 

Abra. Veil, let it sink. Vot do we care? Ve don't own 
it. After all life is bud a dream. 

Isaac. Nod much id aind. In efery dream I efer had I 
vas gettin' more money den I could spend. 

Capt. (Jo Sus.). You never saw a clock like this before. It 
will run three months without winding. 

Ferd. Christo-Colombo, I vonder how long de clocka 
would runna if itta was wounda uppa. 

Capt. And this picture is a work of art ; it cost five hun- 
dred dollars. 

Sus. How lovely ! 

Abra. Imbossible ! Dat picture no more den ten inches 



20 THE EMIGRANTS PARTY 

vide and I got mine whole store front bainted for four toUars 
und a haf. 

Fkanz. Why do zee captaine take zee long, long step ? 

James. To save his shoes, rnon ! 

Reb. {with Max by hand going to Capt.). Vot time de 
train leave for Kansas ? 

Capt. Five o'clock. 

(Reb. and Max sit down.) 

Pat. (to Capt.). How fur is it to Truro? 
Capt. Twenty miles. 

Pat. Faith, we'll niver be able to walk there the day. 
Mrs. F. Och, Pat, shure thot's not much. Twinty moiles; 
that's only tin apiece ; we kin do thot aisy. 

(Reb. and Max agaifi go up to Capt.) 

Reb. Vot time de train leave for Kansas ? 

Capt. I told you five o'clock. (Reb. and Max sit down 

again.) Did you people hear the thunder in the night? 

Mich. Did it railly thunder ? 

Pat. It thundered as if hivin an* airth would come to- 
gether. 

Mich. Why didn't ye wake me thin for you know Oi can't 
slape a wink whin it thunders. 

(Reb. and Max again go to Capt.) 

Reb. Vot time de train leave for Kansas ? 

Capt. {angrily). That's the third time you've bothered me 
asking the same question. Now, don't bother me again. 

Reb. I vouldn't pother you so much, but leetle Max here 
he say you move your mouth so funny he like to hear you 
say it. 

Dinah {with envelope and stamp in hand). Do Ah put this 
stamp on maself ? 

Capt. No, you'd better put it on the envelope. 

Alg. His the train to Burlington halways behind time ? 

Capt. No, it is usually behind the engine. 

Sus. I've been invited to go sailing this summer and I'm 
going to buy a lot of starboard and port tacks to take with me. 
They seem to use so many of that kind of tacks on yachts. 

\_Exeunt Capt. and Sus. 

Franz. Zee time ees so long, I zay let us have one concert 



THE EMIGRANTS PARTY 21 

to make zee time to fly. Let us seeng, let us dance, let us 
speak zee piece. 

Fkitz. Dot vos one goot idee. 

Pat. Bejabbers, jist the thing ! 

Ed. You be master hof ceremonies, Frenchy. 

Franz. Zee maistaire of zee ceremony. What ees zat ? 

Ed. Hask the folks to speak, to sing, to dance. 

Franz. I will do zat with pleasaire. 

(Franz asks differefit ones to si/ig, dance, etc. Emigrants 
clap performej's, make remarks between selections, etc. 
The following program is simply a suggestion and may be 
varied or changed e?itirely. Other suggestions are to be 
found in the front part of the book.') 

Program for Concert 

Irish Song. The Harp That Once Through Tara's 
Halls. 

Spanish Recitation. Christo Colombo. 

Darky Banjo Song. Way Down Upo?t De Swanee River. 

Dance. Highland Fling, or Scottish Folk Da7ice. 

Irish Recitation. Mr. Dooley on the Grip. 

Violin Solo. Hebrew. 

Italian Recitation. {^Man with haiid organ, girl with tam- 
bourine.') Da Strit Fianna. 

Dance. Irish Jig, or Irish Folk Dance. 

Darky Lullaby. {Colored wofnan with baby.) IVaitin* for 
the Moon. 

Irish Recitation. {Woman.) Bridget Mc Fine, 

Spanish Song. A Spanish Cavalier. 

Japanese Fan Drill. 

Scotch Song. Annie Laurie. 

German Folk Dance. 

Dutch Recitation. Sockerfs Kadacut Kat. 

French Song. The Marseillaise. 

Darky Cake Walk. 

English Song. Drink to Me Only with Thine Eyes. 

Hans {looking out of windo7v). Here ve vos in dot harbor 
at last. Och, mein cracious, look at dot beeg puilding. I vish 
I own dot puilding. 

Fritz. If you did, vould you gif me haf ? 

Hans. No, I vould not ; you can make your own vishes. 



12 THE emigrants' PARTY 

Pat. Look at the litters on it. I. O. O. F. Phwat does 
thim litters mane ? 

Mich. I. O. O. F. Shure, it must be the height of the 
building. loo fate. 

Pat. Uv course. {Excitedly.') Bejabbers, will yez look 
at thot thing ? 

Mich. They do be callin' thot an electric car. 

Pat. Wid no horses to pull it ! Bejabbers, the Ould Nick 
himsilf must be pullin' it wid a stroing. 

Franz. And what ees zat zing ? 

Mich. They call thim things automobiles. Shure an' yez 
want ter look out sharp for thim too. I wuz standin' near the 
car track wan day whin I saw wan of thim bastely things 
comin' up the strate, so I stipped to wan soide, out uv the way, 
and the front of it wint by me all right, but the back of it 
swung round and knocked me down. Now, phwat do yez 
thoink of thot ? Whin yez stand in front uv thim they run 
over yez an' whin yez git out of the way to let thim pass, they 
turn around an' kick yez. 

PiETRO. I fraida to goa on dat landa. 

Mich. Onct I wuz in wan of thim wid the boss whin it 
run over a man an' a strame uv blue cum runnin' out of him. 
"Oh, begorra," says Oi, "it'll go harrud wid us. We've 
killed wan of thim blue-blooded Yankees." We jumped out 
quick and found he wasn't hurt at all, at all, had only broke a 
bottle of blueing he hed in his pocket ; but bejabbers it give 
me wan turrible froight, I wuz that afraid it wuz his blue 
blood. 

Enter Capt., Doc, Inspector, Policemen. 

(Inspector has large sheets of paper ^ examines tag on each 
ifnmigrant and compares with his paper. Doc. goes 
around loo ki fig at eyes, skin, etc., for symptoms of dis- 
ease. Capt. and Doc. sign the Inspector's large paper. 
Immigrants crowd up with their numerous bundles. 
Policemen drive them back repeatedly. Stowaway, a 
London chimney sweep, appears, also Chinaman who 
tries to keep out of sight.) 

Capt. {to Stow.). Where did you come from, you young 
rascal ? 

Stow. Hi was behind the pork barrel 'iding. 

Capt. What am I going to do with you ? Take you back 
with me ? 



THE EMIGRANTS PARTY 23 

Stow. Please, Mister Captain, don't take me back. 

Mrs. F. The poor crayther is wake from hunger. Here 
{giving boy a chunk of bread) take this, me bye, an' Oi'ni 
thinkin' the koind-hearted captain will let yez land wid the 
rist uv us. 

Inspector (Jo Hans). Name ? 

Hans. Hans Grimm. 

Inspector. Married ? 

Hans. Yes. 

Inspector. Any children? 

Hans. Elefen. Ten lifing und von married. 

Inspector (writing). Let me see, this is the thirtieth ? 

Hans (who has Elsa by hand). No, no, I shoost dell you 
I haf elefen children. Dis is der elefenth one. 

Inspector. I meant the thirtieth of the month. 

(Inspector runs over paper quickly saying, " light hair, 
blue eyes, five feet ten inches,'" etc., co7isulting tag which 
they have on and cot7iparing for idetitification.') 

Doc. (to Dinah). Open your mouth and let me see your 
throat. (Dinah opens mouth very wide.) You needn't open 
it so wide. I intend to stay outside. You're all right. 

(Passes on to others.) 

Inspector (to Abra.). Name ? 

Abra. Abraham Goldstein. 

Inspector. This your wife ? 

Abra. Yes, dot ish mine vife. 

Inspector. She's not very beautiful. 

Abra. Mine vife ish not beautiful weezout, but she ish 
beautiful weezin. 

Antonio. Why notta turna her insida outa thena ? 

Abra. Beauty ish only skin deep. 

Franz. You might skeen her zen. 

Inspector. What is your boy's name? 

Abra. Max. 

Inspector. Why do you call him Max? 

Abra. Veil, because dot ish his name. 

Inspector. He's a bright looking boy. (fTo Max.) You 
may be president of this country some day. Every boy here 
has an equal chance. You have your chance. 

Max. Mister, I vill sell you mine chance for a quarter. 



24 THE EMIGRANTS PARTY 

Inspector. What, wouldn't you like to be president ? 
Max. I vould radder pe der secretary of de treasury. 

(Policeman /w/i" arm around 'Qkid.') 

Inspector {to Brid.). Why do you let that policeman put 
his arm around you ? 

Brid. Shure, it's aginst the law to resist an officer, ain't it? 

Inspector {to Franz). Married ? 

Franz. I am goeeng to meet zee bride in zis country. 

Inspector. Been married before ? 

Franz. Seex times. 

Inspector. Six times ! That's a good many times. 

Franz. Yes, if zee Lord will take zem I will furnish zem. 

Inspector. I think you act crazy. 

Franz. No, no, not crazy. Zee trouble ees my last wife 
make me sleep under zee crazy quilt. 

Inspector (reading). Condition of health. Have you any 
disease ? 

Franz. I walk in zee sleep. 

Policeman. Begorry, Oi wisht me brother could. He'd 
be on the force now. 

Inspector (to Fritz who has on very short pants). Guess 
there's been a death in your family. 

Fritz. No, der vos not. 

Inspector. What are you wearing your pants at half mast 
for tlien ? You must be going to college. What is your occu- 
pation ? 

Fritz. Sailor. 

Inspector. Sailor? I don't believe you were ever on a 
ship. 

Fritz. Vot for you tink I valk over from Germany? 

Inspector (consulting paper). I see you have been in jail. 
What for? 

Fritz. Veil, it was shoost like dis. The pig took upon 
him to sleep in mine garden for three nights und I shoost took 
him for room rent. 

Inspector. Would it hurt your feelings if I should tell you 
that you lie? 

Fritz. It vould not hurt mine feelings but it might hurt 
mine knuckles. 

Doc. (to Fritz). Your clothes need washing. 

Fritz. I haf a suit of clothes for efery day in the year. 

Doc. Where ? 



THE emigrants' PARTY I5 

Fritz. Dis is it I haf on. 

Doc. {examirmig nose). Your nose is frozen. I don't 
know as I can let you land. 

Fritz. Och, mine koodness ! I haf carry dot nose fordy 
year unt he nefer freeze hisself before. I no understand dis 
thing. 

Inspector {toMxoi.). Married? 

Mich. Yis, but Oi've lift the ould woman in the ould 
counthry. 

Inspector. You'll miss her very much, won't you? 

Mich. Oi'm going to buy a bulldog and he'll growl all the 
toime so it will same jist like havin' the ould woman. 

Inspector {consiiliing paper'). Red hair. You ought to 
make a good soldier. 

Mich. Why would Oi make a good soldier ? 

Inspector. Because you're *'Reddy." 

{Looks at Mich.'s eye.) 

Mich. Phwat are yez lookin' at ? 

Inspector. Nothing. 

Mich. Thin ye' 11 foind it in the jug where the whiskey was. 

Inspector. What is your eye in mourning for ? 

Mich. For Kiley. 

Inspector. Is he dead ? 

Mich. Shure, he will be the nixt time Oi git a chance at 
him. He's the wan thot give me the black oiye. 

Inspector {to Brid.). That's a fine hat you have on, but 
it's so high I can hardly see the top of the ship. 

Brid. Shure, if yez see the bill thot come wid it. It's so 
hoigh yez couldn't see the skoie. 

Inspector (reading from paper). Complexion, hair, eyes, 
bust 

Brid. Bust ! What bust ? Shure Oi dunno. Oi didn't 
hear annything bust. 

Inspector. This evidence shows that you threw a stone at 
a policeman. 

Brid. Begorra, it shows more than thot. It shows Oi hit 
him. 

Mrs. F. Shure, an' that policeman wuz a brick. 

Brid. Then bejabbers Oi wuz a bricklayer. I knocked 
him flat. 

Inspector. Where are you going ? 

Brid. {wi?iking at others). Oi'm goin' to git married. 



26 THE EMlGRAN'i'S PAR./ 

Inspector. Where is the man you are to marry going to 
meet you ? 

Brid. {aside to others). Jist watch me fool him. (7)? In- 
spector.) At the praste's. 

Inspector. Where does he live? Do you know hovv to 
find his house ? 

J^KiD. Me Cousin Julia tould me jist hovv to git to it. She 
sed you walk up the strate til you cum to a strame, over the 
broidge until yez cum to a road that woinds around a store 
but not to take that strate, thin go on till Oi cum to a pig-pen 
shingled wid sthraw, thin turn the strate round the falde and 
go on till I cum to a big house, where a road runs into the 
woods and don't take that strate, thin go on till Oi meet a hay- 
stack and the next is a barn. He don't loive there but go a 
little further an' Oi'd see a house on top of a hill about two 
miles away and if Oi go in thot house an' ask the ould woman 
that loives there she could till me better than she could. So 
Oi'U foind him aisy. 

Inspector. All right. Pass on. (7^? Mrs. F.) How old 
are you ? 

Mrs. F. How ould am Oi ? It's none uv yez business how 
ould Oi am. Oi suppose ye'd like ter ax if Oi have false tathe, 
if me husband bates me, if Oi droink, whot size shoes Oi ware, 
if Oi'm wan uv thim millionyaires and a lot uv other fool ques- 
tions. 

Inspector {to Doc). How old should you say she was? 

Doc. To her face or behind her back ? 

Inspector {to Pat., who has a pipe in his mouth). You're 
not allowed to smoke here. 

Pat. Oi'm not smoking. 

Inspector. You have a pipe in your mouth. 

Pat. Shure Oi have fate in me shoes, but Oi'm not 
walkin'. 

Inspector. How many children ? 

Pat. Fifteen. They are cumin' over in the nixt boat. 

Inspector. You have a pretty big family to support ? 

Pat. Oi hov thot; an' if they didn't all airn their own 
livin' Oi couldn't support thim at all, at all. Begorry, there's 
wan thing Oi'd loike to see before Oi lave this boat. Oi'd loikc 
to see the man thot swings thot pick. 

Inspector. What pick do you mean ? 

Pat. Thot pick over forninst. 

Inspector. That's the anchor. 



THE EMIGRANTS PARTY 27 

Pat. Och, begorry, Oi thought it wuz a pick. 

Inspector {to Pat., who is loaded with bundles'). Why 
don't you buy a trunk ? 

Pat. Phwat should Oi buy a trunk fur ? 

Inspector. To put your clothes in. 

Pat. To put me clothes in ? An' go naked ? Niver a bit 
uv it will Oi do at all, at all. 

Inspector {spying Chinaman). Here, you Chinaman, 
you'll have to go back. No Chinaman allowed in this coun- 
try. 

Mrs. F. The Chinese are haythens. Shure, Oi do be 
rading thot they lit the gurrl babies loive six wakes, thin they 
take thim down to the river and fade thim to the lobsters. 

Alg. They do woise than that hin this country. Here 
they let them grow up hand then give them to the lobsters. 

(Chinaman recites ^^John Chinaman' s Protest " while In- 
spector and Doc. are looking over the rest of the passen- 
gers.') 

Capt. All ready to land. {Girl dressed as Columbia, 
redy white and blue costume with gold crotun^ appears. Stands 
in centre of stage while all unite in singing ^^ Star Spa?igled 
Banner.^') Pass out this way. 

(Policemen keep people in li?ie as they pass out of door over 
which is draped an Atnerican flag. The men all remove 
their hats as they pass under the flag.) 



CURTAIN 



DEC 6 1913 



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Boyle O'Reilly, Robert G. Ingersoll, Bill Nye, James Whitcomb Riley, 
T. W. Higginson, W. H. Seward, Clement Scott, Joaquin Miller, E. C. 
Stedman, Brander Matthews, John G. Saxe, Joel Benton, Charles FoUen 
Adams and others. 214 pages. 

Price y 2^ cents 

BAKER'S COMIC AND DIALECT 
SPEAKER 

Readings and Recitations for School or Platform 
in Negro and Irish Dialect 

One hundred and forty-three selections in prose and verse by Irwin 
Russell, Joel Chandler Harris, M. Quad, Mark Twain, Detroit Free Press, 
Texas Siftings, R. H. Stoddard, Samuel Lover, " Life," Joaquin Miller, 
Capt. Marryat, Cormac O'Leary, W. W. Fink, Margaret Ey tinge, Wm. 
B. Fowle, Mark Melville, T. N. Cook, Lizzie N. Champney and others. 
262 pages. 

Price i 25 cents 

CLUB AND LODGE-ROOM ENTER- 

TAINMENTS 
For Floor or Platform Use 

Comprising ; " A Ribbon Race," any number, males and females ; " A 
Variety Contest," any number, males and females ; " The Shamrock Min- 
strels," four males, three females; "Apollo's Oracle," any number, males 
and females; " Plantation Bitters," nine males, eight females ; " Gulliver 
and the Lilliputians Up To Date," ten males ; " Dame History's Peep- 
Show," any number ; " The Broom Drill," sixteen characters, male or 
female or both. 160 pages. 

Pricey 2$ cents 



Sent post-paid on receipt of price by 

Walter H. Baker & Co., 5 Hamilton PlaCflJ 

BOSTON. MASS. 



New Plays 



THE VILLAGE SCHOOL MA'AM 

A Play in Three Acts 

By Arthur Lewis Tubbs 

Author of ** Valley Farm,'' ''Willowdale,'' ''The Country Minister^ 
« The Penalty of Pride y' ''Miss Buzbfs Boarders," etc. 

Six males, five females. Costumes modern ; scenes an interior and an 
exterior, or can be played in two interiors. Plays two hours or more. 
An excellent comedy-diama, combining a strongly sympathetic dramatic 
interest with an unusual abundance of genuine and unforced comedy. 
The parts are unusually equal in point of interest and opportunity, are 
genuine types of rural character, truly and vigorously drawn and easily 
actable. No dialect parts, but plenty of variety in the comedy roles and 
lots of amusing incident. An exceptionally entertaining piece, full of move- 
ment and action, and without a dull moment Can be strongly recommended. 
Price 2^ cents 

CHARACTERS 

Richard Elliot, storekeeper and postmaster, 

James B. Graham, a commercial traveller. 

Rev. Mr. Flick, the village parson. 

Hosea Clegg, who belongs to the G. A. R. 

Sam Alcott, tvho has a more than better half, 

TA.T),just a boy. 

Sylvia Lennox, the village school-ma'' am. 

Ida May Alcott, who has had advantages. 

Mrs. ki.COTT , her proud mamma — somewhat forgetful, 

Elvira Pratt, a dressmaker. 

PosiE, who was born tired. 

SYNOPSIS 

Act I. — In front of the store and post-office on a morning in August. 

Act II. — Same as Act I, the middle of the same afternoon. If more 
convenient, these two acts may be played as an interior scene with very 
few changes of " business " and dialogue, the stage being set in that case 
IS the inside of the store, with counter, post-office boxes, etc. 

Act III. — The home of the Alcotts, three days later. 

THE SUBSTANCE OF AMBITION 

A Drama in One Act 

By Mariejosephine Warren 
Three males, one female. Scene, an interior ; costumes modern. Playt 
twenty minutes. A sketch of compelling dramatic interest by the author 
of "The Elopement of Ellen." A serious piece of high clgss that can 
»-- -«^r,mfl3iended. Price ij cents. 



New Plays 



THE COLONEL'S MAID 

A Comedy in Three Acts 

By C. Leona Dalrymple 

Author of<*The Time of His Life;' *^The Land of Night;' etc. 

Six males, three females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, two interiors. 
Plays a full evening. An exceptionally bright and amusing comedy, full 
of action ; all the parts good. Capital Chinese low comedy part ; two 
first-class old men. This is a very exceptional piece and can be strongly 
recommended. Pricey 2j cents 

CHARACTERS 

Colonel Robert Rudd, a widower of ) 

North Carolina \ ,, 

Colonel Richard Byrd, a widower \ mortally antagonistic. 

of South Carolina J 

Marjorie Byrd ) 
Bob Rudd f ^^^ ^^ antagonistic as their respective fathers. 

Mrs. J. John Carroll, a widow, and Colonel Rudd's sister^ 

in-law. 
TuLiA Carroll, her daughter. 

Ned Graydon, a youn^ gentletnan of exceedingly faulty memory. 
Mr. James Baskom, Colonel Rudd' s lawyer. 
Ching-ah-ling, the Chinese cook, a bit impertinent but by far the. 

most important individual in the cast. 
SYNOPSIS 

Act I.— Early morning in the kitchen of the Rudd bachelor 
establishment. 

Act II.— The Rudd hbrary, five days later. 
Act III. — The same. Evening of the same day. 

BREAKING THE ENGAGEMENT 

A Farce in One Act 

By W. C. Parker 

Two males, one female. Costumes, modern ; scene, an interior. Plays 

twenty minutes. A quick playing little piece suitable for vaudeville use. 

Very bright and snappy and strongly recommended. 

PricCy 75 cents 

A PAPER MATCH 

A Farce in One Act 
By E. W. Burt, M. D. 
Two males, two females. Costumes, modern ; scene, an interior. Plays 
thirty-five minutes. Four rustic characters, all good. The heroine ad- 
vertises for a husband and gets her aunt's old beau to their mutual horror, 
Very funny, easy and effective Price^ ij; cents 



New Plays 



THE TWIG OF THORN 

An Irish Fairy Play in Two Acts 

By Marie Josephine Warren 
Author of ** The Elopement of Ellen,'' ''Tonwiys Wife*' '^Endymion^" etc. 

Six males, seven females. Costumes, Irish peasant ; scene, an interior. 
Plays an hour and a half. A little play of strong dramatic interest and 
quite exceptional charm of style and imaginative power, ideally suited for 
school performance. A close and accurate study of Irish folk-lore in the 
manner of Yeats, closely rivaling him in truth of atmosphere and in poetic 
Quality. Highly recommended both as drama and as literature. 
Price, in cloth binding, 50 cents 

THE SENTIMENTAL SARAHl^i 

A Farce-Comedy in Three Acts 

By Harold Hale 

Author of "The Best Man,'' '*A Tax on Bachelors," **The Plundering 

Mr. Brown," " The People's Money," etc. 

Five males, five females. Costumes, modern ; scene, a sir gle interior. 
Plays one hour and forty minutes. A bright and amusing play vi^ith a very 
even cast of characters. Lots of incident and plenty of action. The lead- 
ing parts are \.vjq sentimental old maids, but their adventurer are merely 
funny and never mavy^kish. Professional stage rights reserved but free for 
amateur performance. 

Pricey 25 cents 

A ROW AT THE RUGGLES 

A Comedy in One Act 

By Harold Hale 

Tvjro males, five females. Costumes, modern ; scene, an eat.y W>t(*v^or. 

Plays thirty minutes. A very vivacious and entertaining little piece telling 

a story of life during the honeymoon period, full of laughs and human ii* 

terest. Easy, bright, up to date and generally to be recommended. 

Price, IS cents 

UP AGAINST IT 

A Farce in One Act 

By Innis Gardner Osborn 

Five males, three females. Costumes, modern ; scene, an easy interior. 
Plays twenty-five minutes. A rapid and laughable complication of the 
vaudeville order with a cast of very even opportunity. An admirable 
colored character part, a " tough " young man and a burlesque old maid ; 
Other parts straight. Easy and effective ; can be recommended. 
Price f i^ cents 



B. UJ. Pmero's Plays 

Price, 50 Cents €acb 



Min THANNFl Pl-iy in Four Acts. Six males, five females. 
lUlLr-VlIrliiliLiLi Costumes, modern; scenery, three interiors. 
Plays two and a half hours. 

THE NOTORIOUS MRS. EBBSMITH ^^r'^^.Z 

males, five females. Costumes, modern; scenery, all interiors. 
Plays a full evening. 

THF PRflFTirATF Playln Four Acts. Seven males, five 
* "^ * IWl LilVJrt 1 Li females. Scenery, three interiors, rather 
elaborate ; costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. 

THf QrHfini MIQTDFQQ Farce in Three Acts. Nine males, 
iriEi i3\^nWULilTIIDlIV£ii3i3 seven females. Costumes, mod- 
ern; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening. 

THE SECOND MRS. TANQUERAY ^lirl^^JiXi 

females. Costumes, modern; scenery, three interiors. Plays a 
full evening. 

^WFFT ! AVFlSinFR Comedv in Three Acts. Seven males, 
OllLiLil Lit\y LiiMJLiR. four females. Scene, a single interior, 
costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. 

THF THITWriFPRniT Comedy in Four Acts. Ten males, 
iriEi inUilLF£.I\DULil nine females. Scenery, three interi- 
ors; costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. 

THF TIMF^ Comedy in Four Acts. Six males, seven females. 
*nCi 1 llTlLiO Scene, a single interior ; costumes, modern. Plays 
a full evening. 

mWFAKTR QFY comedy in" Three Acts. Eight males. 
fV £ix\lv£ilv iJ£<A eight females. Costumes, modern ; 
scenery, two iuterioi's. Plays a full evening. 

A WIFE WITHOUT A SMILE gr;r,sas,f?u';-ii„^£: 

Costumes, modern; scene, a single interior. Plays a full evening. 



Sent prepaid on receipt of price by 

l^alter ?|. pafeer & Companp 

No. 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Massachusetts 



LIBRftRY OF CONGRES 




a^ecent popular ^la^s 



THF AWAFFNINfi ^^^^ ^° -^^^^ ■^'^*^^- -^5" ^' ^- Chambers. 
illCi ATTAIi.LlilnU tour males, six females. Scenery, not diffi- 
cult, chiefly interiors ; costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. 
Price, 50 Cents. 

THE FRUITS OF ENLIGHTENMENT g°.T*/o^?ToT"'¥wX 

one males, eleven females. Scenery, characteristic interiors ; cos- 
tumes, modern. Plays a full evening. Recommended for reading 
clubs. Price, 35 Cents. 

BIS EXCELLENCY THE GOVERNOR rjfiB?H'.^l^"%?2 

males, three females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, one interior. 
Acting rights reserved. Time, a full evening. Price, 50 Cents. 

MinFAT HII^RANB comedy in Four Acts. By Oscar Wilde. 
lUliiill^ llUJU/llil/ Ninemales, six females. Costumes, mod- 
ern ; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening. Acting rights 
reserved. Sold for reading. Price, 50 Cents. 

THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST ItH" ^; 5sJ2^ 

Wilde. Five males, four females. Costumes, modern ; scenes, two 
interiors and an exterior. Plays a full Evening. Acting rights re- 
served. Price, 50 Cents. 



LADY WINDERMERE'S FAN ^ft'S'rM^en^'ie.. nn,e ,e- 



By Oscar 
nine fe- 
males. Costumes, modern ; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full 
evening. Acting rights reserved. Price, 50 Cents. 

NATHANf HAIF Play in Four Acts. By Clyde Fitch. Fifteen 
nAlllAil 11/ILlw males, four females, Costuiues of the eighteenth 
century in America. Scenery, four interiors and two exteriors. Act- 
ing rights reserved. Plays a full evening. Price, 50 Cents. 

Comedy in Three Acts. By M. B. Horis:e. 

Six males, four females. Scenery, two 
interiors; costumes, modern. Pi'ofessional ptage rights reserved. 
Plays a full evening. Price, 50 Cents. 

THE TYRANNY OF TEARS dlZ^'^Zi^LX^ g: 

males. Scenery, an interior and an exterior ; costumes, modern. 
Acting rights reserved. Plays a full evening. Price, 50 Cents. 

Comedy in Four Acts. By 
Oscar Wilde. Eight males, 
seven females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, three interiors and an 
exterior. Plays a full evening. Stage rights reserved. Offered for 
reading only. Price, 50 Cents. 



THE OTHER FELLOW 



A WOMAN OF NO IMPORTANCE 



Sent prepaid on receipt of price by 

5^alter i^. OBa&er & Company 

No. 5 Hamilton Place. Boston, Massachusetts 

6. J. PARKHILL 4i CO , PRINTEI S, BOSTON- 



